Sunday, February 14, 2010

Clearly, he thought it was going to be silent, but oh no.

UIC Pavilion
Chicago, IL
I came here on a Friday night for the roller derby. Who the hell knew that was still going on? It was great. They had 4 matches with 4 teams. The place was spotless. I can't say the same for the people. The biggest bunch of jackasses ever. Again this only happens to me. Every 10 frickin minutes, the row in front of me would get up because one of them had to do something. The whole place was sitting down and watching the derby. Not these fuckers. Pizza, fart. Beer, fart. Pretzels, fart. Nachos, fart. Piss, fart. After the 6th or 12th time I had enough and went up top. The view was actually better up there. And you wonder why people saw each other down.

City Tavern
Philadelphia, PA
Funny story. Last time we were at City Tavern, we had just experienced a lull in the conversation when my oh-so-classy fiance let out with the loudest fart I have EVER heard. The look on his face was priceless. Clearly, he thought it was going to be silent, but oh no. It most definitely was not silent. Luckily, we had already paid, because we booked it out of there real fast after that.

Cafe Luna
Washington D.C.
We walked in last night and headed for a table in the back. I was hit with a strong odor of poo. Seriously, like a porta potty. You know how it's polite to not say something when someone farts? Well, I didn't at first, but wondered how other diners could be eating with that smell all over them. We ordered beers. When I was sure that it could not be some monster fart, I asked my partner if he could smell it. He did, and was trying not to gag. We chugged our beers and ran out the door. Did the waitress do the right thing by not saying anything about the odor? Like "Hey I'm sorry about that poo poo smell, we're working on it and it will be gone soon. Let me start you with a glass of wine on the house." We might have stayed in that case. Now we are never coming back.

Monday, February 1, 2010

You see, I'm not shit shy.

Food 4-Less
Las Vegas, NV
"My friends and I shopped here for some alcohol to take back to our hotel room. I was in the middle of shopping, and I had to take a shit. You see, I'm not shit shy. I'll take one anywhere. Anyway, I had to go so I gave my friends money for my portion of the liquor and headed for the restrooms. I have to say, the restrooms were actually very clean for a grocery store. I did my do, or doo doo (shall I say) and left. I was pleasantly surprised by my bathroom experience there.

Great place to shop and shit. :)"

Las Vegas, NV
"where's my wine ? 'sorry sir, i put the order in but the bartender is ignoring me - i 'll get the manager to have him open a bottle.' Don't bother as i look over and i see the bartender making time with a blonde bim(bo). finally order the chocolate molten cake. 'just so you know, it takes 15-20 minutes' huuh ?? thanks for the heads up. we order the churros instead - i wish we had our camera! the pile of churros are arranged like its a PILE OF SHIT !!! I can't lie, it was decent shit, but i told the server, you may want to 'straighten' out the churros, he looked at it, chuckled and said he will inform the chef. about the only laugh i had all night."

"So you have a crappy seafood restaurant that fails miserably. What do you do? Add tapas to the menu!"

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'd rather use Bisquick and gasoline to make my own pancakes than eat here again.

Edible Arrangements
Fremont, CA
"I have personally seen their delivery drivers unironically perform sustained air drum solos in their van lasting in excess of five minutes. If your delivery is late, rest assured, it's because some dirty kid got a new Rush album and is too busy pretending he knows how to play double bass in the middle of the intersection to continue driving."

Brooklyn, NY
"Don't get me wrong, I love me some IHOP. But this location is a disaster. When my boyfriend and I went there on a recent Saturday, there was a crowd out the door. We were finally seated about 20 minutes later. Our overly friendly waiter greeted us, took our orders without writing anything down, and then disappeared for what felt like eternity. While we were waiting for our food, he brought the food to the table next to us and got EVERY SINGLE DISH wrong. All three people had to send theirs back. When he brought the corrected dish to the man, it was wrong again. We laughed about it... until the same thing happened to us. I ended up just eating the wrong dish since I didn't want to wait another year for what was likely to be something else I didn't order."

"This place sucks. I like IHOP but this place just SUCKS. Horrible, lazy staff. Probably the worst I've ever had in my life. The place (I refuse to call this a restaurant) is dirty and smells like garbage. The food is blah compared to any other IHOP I've been to. On top of all that, the prices are too high, even for IHOP. Skip here entirely. I'd rather use Bisquick and gasoline to make my own pancakes than eat here again."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bastard machines

Reviews from Detroit, MI, Brooklyn Heights, NY and San Fransisco, CA
"Kinko's is like the bane of my academic existence.
... we're all stuck with this miserable company. I truly believe Kinko's is ran by- and employed- by sadists."

"I wish there was a zero star rating in Yelp, then I would have given this place the ignominious title it deserves. Even though there are no other Kinko's in the downtown or Clinton Hill area, do NOT relent and bother visiting this place: go to the City, just do NOT come here. My wife went to print some things out for her Art School project today, and they were the rudest, mismanaged kinkos that she has ever been in (been in lots). She was sternly told 'wait your turn' by the manager after waiting for a 1/2 hour without anyone coming to the counter."

"Have you ever seen that 'Pop Copy' sketch on Chappelle's Show? I swear Dave must have visited this place because I experienced it in real life this afternoon. OK, I had to send a fax. Simple enough, right? Think again. The paper I was faxing was smaller than standard size so the guy behind the counter told me I should make a copy of it and then feed it into the machine. OK. Unfortunately making a single xerox is much easier said than done since none of the machines take change. You have to purchase a copy card from a machine that only takes dollars to make a single copy that only costs 10 cents. Great. So I'm making my copy and theres an old lady at another machine yelling for assistance for about 5 minutes while the staff completely ignore her. Then I finally fax my paper and go to pay and the girl at the counter just puts her hand out for the money without even telling me what I owe while she has a conversation about chicken with another employee with her head turned completely away from me. She actually burped when taking my money. Lunch musta been finger-lickin good. Then as I'm finally ready to leave after a 15 minute ordeal that should take about 2, a disgruntled customer storms out yelling various F words at the staff too explicit to repeat here. She proceeds to pick something up off a shelf and throw it in the general direction of the counter. It came about an inch from hitting another customer. 'That's how people get shot in this city,' she said. I would have to agree. Do yourself a favor by never setting foot in this dump."

"Whoever runs this location made a brilliant choice in hiring the load of luddites that waste space in this shit hole. Their copy machines are bastards that eat your money, staple your papers wrong, fuck up two-sided copies, and break down with any other request besides one one-sided copy. Bastard machines."

"Don't mess with Kinko's unless you wanna break down and cry with the end results of your printing needs."

"One person was staring at the computer monitor for 5 minutes. I didn't see the screen change or any other activity that made it seem like she was doing anything. One guy was trying to figure out how to load paper into the copier. Then, when another associate came out from the back, she stopped to admire something that was 'oh, so cute' on a piece of paper that was lying on the table for another minute...what gives? I mean, I love spending my time waiting in lines and all, but usually it'll result in me getting on a roller coaster if I'm waiting that long."

"Due to Yelp's family nature, I cannot use the amount of profanity needed to make this review accurate."

Monday, January 25, 2010

what a soggy bottom boy.

(Note from the Blog Editor: This guy, who goes by Spark V. should be in the comedy writing business. Maybe he is, I don't know. But I do know this: his Yelp reviews are pee-your-pants funny. This is a very small sampling of his brilliant material. Enjoy.)

White Castle
New York, NY
"sweet jesus.
what a soggy bottom boy.
the sliders look and smell the same going in as going out.
this particular location is disgusting.
covered in a thick layer of slime, grease, and general filth.
so awful.

Con Edison
"$203 bill?
i no think so.
we power our refrigerator, our computers, and an A/C maybe half the day.
at night we operate almost entirely on candle light -
spare bedside lamp for reading occasionally, though mostly we read during the day.
service is terrible,
they're robbing everybody blind,
they don't even generate their own power,
simply overcharge the entire city of new york for their shit service.
please go choke on the smallest dick in the world."

Prosperity Dumpling
New York, NY
"i used to live in this neighborhood.
and i'd always go here with the intention of eating dumplings to black out.
so, my idiot friend, ron, and i often set out and order 3 orders of fried dumplings each.
douse each one of them in an assload of sriracha,
grab two beverages,
find a stoop where we'd like to destroy our bowels,
and eat eat eat till next thing we know we're waking up in the street dizzy and nauseous wondering what time it is."

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Cool Stuff Food & Tobacco
Chicago, IL
"The first time I saw the sign I almost fell off my bike with excitement. 'Cool stuff?!' I shouted, out loud, 'That's exactly the kind of shit I'm into!' I mean, you have to admit, cool stuff is pretty f'ing sweet. It's cooler than sweet stuff, right? Except when they're the same thing. But you get the idea. I am totally into cool stuff. So I go in, all like, 'What's up babe? Hit me up with some dope THINGS. Bring on the cool STUFF,' and the small, pleasant Arabic woman behind the counter stared at me nonplussed. I was all, 'SERIOUSLY, FOXY MAMA, LAY THAT COOL STUFF ON ME,' and she sort of shied away from me, probably because I'm so sexy."

Cowboy Cool
Austin, TX

Hot Woks Cool Sushi
Chicago, IL
"Flavorless Woks Average Sushi?"

"Bleah. Nearly everyone with whom I was dining did not enjoy their respective meals. I should have sensed that lousiness awaited when it appeared we had been seated in the 'no-server section.' Started with the spring rolls. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm used to spring rolls not overloaded with cream cheese, instead concentrating on the vegetables and/or meat, and with the sauce on the side rather than drowning the rolls like Augustus Gloop tackling a plate of waffles with maple syrup. After a bite, nobody could stomach another piece."

Where the eff am I?

Fantasy Unlimited
Seattle, WA
The booths smell like crack (both ass and freebase varieties) and man-naise. And for god's sake, DON'T go in the theater.

Eros Boutique
Boston, MA
"Ever seen a bad car accident and couldn't look away? This is it. I needed some essentials and this happened to be the closest adult store within walking distance. I apologize to any and all blood relatives who read my reviews. When I first walked in I noticed the entire staircase/flooring was made of steel and smelled of lemon scented Mr. Clean. Where the eff am I? I made my way upstairs into a dark room lit only by a couple windows in front and neon lights on the walls. Ok.... I started walking through the shop - lions, and tigers, and bears OH MY. The woman behind the counter was friendly enough and left me alone - good - I don't want help. There was an awkward man in the corner. Um, halp? The selection of goods isn't extensive but some of them definitely caught my eye. Like that chair lingering over in the corner - ummm - no thanks."

"Note to shopper: if you pump up any of the rubber whosie-whatsits, don't forget to let the air out, or the clerk will yell at you in front of the other customers, and then you'll feel grosser than what the item is actually used for."